Why are you fucking doing this? You make me feel so fucking different and kind. Exactly the opposite of me and why didn’t you fucking ask me out when you had a fucking chance? But no-fuck that. You’re way too proud to do that shit. Cause what? Maybe I would’ve said no. So the fuck what? Do you really think I give a shit? Well I fucking do. I wish I could come over this damn hill and get the courage to tell you how I feel. But I can’t. I fucking can’t because I know how you will react. You will stop talking to me and instead talk about me. I really fucking do and I hate this crap so fucking much. I can’t get the fuck over you. Get out of my damn head you piece of shit. I fucking hate you and I love you. I don’t know what to do with your images in my head. I don’t want to throw them out and I don’t want to forget them. But I fucking do. Seeing your face is painful. I get bruises on my heart. And they’re permanent. Why do you have to be such a fucking guy? Fuck you. Fuck you because you know what you’re doing and you’re driving me up the fucking wall with your slight flirtatiousness and your aloof point of view. Well fuck that. I need some clarity right now. Especially in this fucking world where nothing is fucking clear. Can’t you be the one person I can depend on? I thought you were but I think I was fucking wrong. And I don’t want to be. I want you to be the one I see when I dream. I want you to be the one I see when I wake up. I want you to be the one I see when I walk down the hall with a smile on my face. I want you to be the one that puts your lips on mine. I want you to be the one I grow old with. I want you to be the guy I’ve always dreamed of. I want you. But I fucking hate it. All your damn flaws are beginning to show and I don’t fucking want this crap anymore. Give me another life to live. I think about you for hours. But do you? I think about you kissing me. But do you? I don’t know what’s going on in your fucking mind but I can’t take it anymore. Confront me. Talk to me. Tell me what the fuck is wrong. Choose me. Love me. Be my hero. The one I’ve always wanted because in the end you’re the one I love. I don’t only slightly like you. I will never get fucking over you. You will be the one I think about when I kiss my significant other. You will be the one I think about when I’m fucking another man. You will be the one I think about when I lay in my bed with my husband, yet alone. You will be the one I wish I knew better. You will be the one I wish I had done the right things with. And you won’t feel a fucking thing. You won’t feel fucking guilty because you will never know how I really fucking feel. I’m over with this crap. I need some closure. Now will you give it to me? Well I hope you’re happy with some other girl. The girl that is eating with you, kissing your poisonous lips, sleeping with you when really I want to be that fucking person, whispering in your ear, touching you insignificantly, being the person I wish I was because I fucking love you and you don’t even have a damn clue, do you? You will never know. You’re way too stubborn. You’re way too proud. You will never give me what I want. I am a fucking selfish bitch because of you. I blame it on myself and partly on you. I can’t live this fucking way forever and for eternity.

(Listen to the acoustic version of the Foo Fighters' great song "Everlong". I think it goes perfectly with this entry. And thank you for reading this. I know it doesn't mean much but I had to get this off my damn chest. And don't be offended by the f word. I was really angry.)

-Adriana